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02:06am 30/10/2012
  Been waking up weird lately, probably something related to my chest problem. Still no clue as to what it is, feel as though I need to vomit when I cough from time to time. Been using small doses of cannabis to relieve the effects, which I may add- work wonders.

Not much to say other than I bought a car I am working on and I happen to be in debt for about 2 grand. Not bad considering most people rack up a shit ton of debt.

I'm not sure which direction my life is going right now, I'm not sure which direction I'm going. My whole family seems upset, about a bunch of little things and of course I don't want to be here anymore. Things are pretty bad lately I suppose, but what is most upsetting seems to be my and my moms health. I'm more worried about her though, she isn't exactly emotionally stable and I know she is putting up a front. There isn't much I can do here until I leave, but I can't leave until I have that car running.

I don't know which way I am going, but wherever I end up may be tied down to the car. Still I have options. I found people who I can move in with.

Not feeling like typing anymore, maybe I'll come back when I have something better to type about.
02:19am 23/05/2012
  My chest has been hurting sporadically through large portions of the day. I don't think it's my heart, rather my lungs. The pain has spread from the left side to the right. Sometimes I can feel it to my back too.

Got the next four days off, gonna see what I can do about building my ACN business and building my team.
Hey there Freddy   
11:53pm 15/05/2012
  I am not too sure what to type about. Looks like the rest of my friends have left Lj for good, that just leaves me by myself in this lonely abyss called the internet. Yayyyyyyy!!!

No, not really. I do recall in one of my very old entries typing something about me keeping up with this journal no matter what, I don't know why I do this though seeing as how nobody will ever find this and if they do- it will serve no purpose for anyone. Even when I die I suppose all that will remain is my thoughts and memories stored on the internet for as long as either humanity or the internet remain (one of them has to end sometime).

Seeing as how everyone has left now, there actually may be a chance that I am crazy. Nobody in their right mind would keep an open journal for anyone to see, but have nobody read it; especially on a social network like this.

Speaking of crazy, I do believe that I am becoming more and more of a schizoid as time goes on. I've been feeling really lonely, and have nobody to talk to about anything. I have friends, but I don't see them very often and again, I am beginning to withdraw from everyone else. I don't feel like I need them around though, it's more like they help me get somewhere I couldn't get to before on my own. I feel fine by myself.

Oh man, you're never gonna believe this! Nah you willCollapse )
     1 Patient - Diagnosis
Life right now   
12:43am 16/01/2012
  My thoughts are too scattered, its best I type a bit of everything briefly.

Me: There are 2.5 things bothering me. I believe I may have a mental illness that's causing me to think strangely and loathe certain people around me who have done nothing. The other thing is my biological status, I realize now that I am different in a sense however its not life threatening and yes there is still the matter of the pain in my chest, lately its been coming and going mainly disscipating.

Probation: its (hopefully) almost over! Still uneasy about the time my breathalyzer went off, since there was no way I could have failed it.

Walmart: Seriously, fuck that job. Don't get paid enough and management doesn't know their mouth from their ass. Haha, I haven't worked hard in months.

Chemistry: Really gotten into chemistry and psychedelics, you know bonds reletionships between HT agonists in the brain and consciousness, ect.

Money: Need to pay back John, for helping me with my court shit. I'm glad dat nigguh is my friend haha. Also need to fix my comuter.

Priscilla: I haven't thought about her in a while, I this is great! Honestly, I don't like her lol, but it feels wrong to say that. Being wrong never felt so right! Adan brings her up every now and then, and OMG there is a really hot chick on TV and some guy is putting his cloned pet ahead of her. Aaaaah! Anyway; yep I had a dream the other day, I know I'll run into Priscilla one day. So, I guess, I kinda want to be a dick to her for my own reasons. Oh and I have my ways on dealing with this, I have my ways.
It has been a very long year   
01:41am 15/11/2011
mood: hopeful
Today is my birthday... yay me...

Guess I'm finally starting to realize I am getting old, I feel so useless due to the situation I am in; yet I know I can better myself.

This past year has been absolutely horrible, I have had a net gain of zero money. There is an upside to all this, I finally started to distance myself from all those people who were detrimental to my being. I've finally discovered myself as a schizoid, though there are many downsides there is something very good inside the disorder- which I have become quite fond of.

There is much for me to look forward to, and I am happy I can at least function (though my social skills still need a lot of work). There is still a lot for me to do, I have many ideas to get started on and well; I believe my time is very limited. There may be something wrong with me, I belive that I may be dying and I need to get some x-rays so I can be sure. I haven't told anyone yet, nor do I have any plans to tell them. Still, I'm not sad if that is the case; I'm more upset about all the work I've put into my notes going to waste... so much left undone...

As long as I am able to do what I can, I shall do what it is I am most interested in doing. There is still more ahead me, no time to complain. Time to get busy, I am ready for round two.
Yeah or nah   
10:38pm 13/06/2011


ey man, what the hell happened?"

Can't shake off the feeling that I haven't hit rock-bottom yet, I don't know anything right now. I don't know whether what I am thinking, doing and acting is right. The possibility is that I am growing up maybe.

Not that it's a bad thing, but it seems like if this happened in the course of a week or so. This happened after I ate shrooms too, not to say that this is a direct result of the psilocybin and psilocibe. The timing seems like a contributor, not to say that it couldn't have been anything else.

There was more I wanted to type, but I just want to stop here for now.
What to do next   
01:24am 19/03/2011
mood: pensive
Just being distracted from my homework here, DAMN YOU LIVEJOURNAL!!! I'M REALLY FAR BEHIND!!!

Aside from that I suppose I'm doing okay, we all got together at Priscilla's house for two days where I introduced a few people to LSD and salvia. Everyone tripped, except Priscilla because she doesn't know how to smoke right and as a result she wasted all my salvia.

Everyone at work is either quitting or getting fired, by the looks of it I may be the last one left in my department. It's like the last of the Mohicans or something.

Now this is gonna be long, but it's gonna be good- that's how you know it needs an lj cutCollapse )
01:20am 02/03/2011
  You better quit your fucking bullshit, I need to stay the fuck away from you. Don't tell me you feel close to me, that's your problem. This is funny to you isn't it?

Fuck you copying me.
     1 Patient - Diagnosis
Not a good friend?   
01:17am 11/02/2011
mood: irritated
I think I was guilt tripped into being Priscilla's friend. You know, the reason I wanted to do this homework assigment with a friend was because I thought it'd be fun. Based on the way shit's going I should have just seen this movie myself.
02:33pm 24/01/2011
  It's been a few days since I last left Priscilla's house. I was drunk, she was fucked up; and by fucked I mean inconsiderate.

Should there be a reason I should be mad? I mean fuck she knew what was up and she tries to screw some guy when Gus and I were there. Supposedly she didn't, but why in the fuck should anyone believe her!?

I'm not sure if I'm mad, sad or if I even feel anything. I do feel pain though, somehow in my blackout I ended up cut up and bruised, to top it all off my left hand is temporairily incapacitated and needs stiitches.

Anyway, I can either sit here be sad and be a bitch or I can come out of this stronger. Find people do what I please, vindicate myself. See, I'm like a shitty Magicarp right now- there will be a day I will Gyardos. I'll bide my time.
02:16am 20/01/2011
mood: aggravated
Why do people need to like each other? What the hell is the point of emotion anyway? Why am I angry? No, it's not the numbers on my homework.

I don't want to look the person I like in the eye and let them know the truth. I'd rather she just thought I was fucking crazy and she left me alone. I don't want her to be nice to me. I don't want to like her. I don't want to like anybody.

Do I go to her house because I want help with homework or because I like her and I hope something will happen? I already know nothing will happen. I'm fucking pathetic.

Well shit, at least I'm not crying.

I don't want to have any friends, but right now, right now; I really need them to get through school.

Sad, I know what I want with no means to obtain it. All there is to know is that, it's pathetic. The atavistic bug comes in and bites me crippling my mind and self. I just don't tell anyone just so they think I'm cool and not a pathetic piece of shit. Seriously, why the fuck am I even complaining? I just sound like a stupid fucking 15 year old. I think I'm just feeling lonely, and as of lately I don't trust my friends and I don't want to trust my friends. Assume the worst, everyone will laugh. I will laugh even at myself.

Thing is everyone is always there for me, and when I venture out on my own is when I fuck up. I've been to jail way too many times, even by myself. Bootcamp was a failure, all my attempts at trying to leave my house have met defeat. Nobody I care about has died yet fortunately, but sometimes I think I'm going to do something and someone around me will pay the consequences rather than me.

The way I've been acting lately is awful, I don't even know where I even picked up such behavior. I don't want to talk to Gustavo because I know he likes Priscilla too. Priscilla... I don't even want to look her in the eye. Jesus and John, they're not around; and I've put up such a front these past few years that it makes me seem like a liar for everything I've said about everything. I just want to go back to being the way I was; apathetic, reserved and stable.
11:54pm 12/01/2011
  I'm probably completely wrong about Priscilla.  
Good day with bad thoughts   
01:50am 09/01/2011
mood: contemplative
It was a fun day as far as anything is concerned, I managed to get the work hours I need, so I guess this means I'm not going to jail. Priscilla and I went out for drinks when I was on the clock, it was fun and we jammed out. We toasted to being friends forever, forever is a very long time; longer than I care or want to imagine. That being said I now know what the future holds- nothing. Let's fucking face it, ever since the day I told her I liked her it's been a downhill ride, and not a fun one like a roller coaster. Sometimes I like her and sometimes I don't, today it was on and off. I don't know how to act around her anymore, if the simple answer would be for me to be myself she would get annoyed for the following reasons: not leaving her alone and not paying enough attention to her. I suppose she is just the kind of girl that wants attention all the time.

Went to the gun range with Lantz today, we shot a .40 and an AR-15. I don't think I did too badly. I was off by a bit, all my headshots hit the neck of the silhouette. The only on-target shot I had was the one where I shit the silhouette in the testicles. Hanging out with Lantz is cool, he seems like a loner so learning what I can from him may be rather useful and keep me from getting into more scenarios where I may like someone.

My mind isn't very stable right now, I hear that you need a stable mindset to do psychedelics. Not sure if that's real or not, I've been fine before, then again I haven't been this unstable in a while. In any case whenever my cough goes away and I have some free time I'm gonna pop the three unknown pills I got the other day.

Ugh, I'm so fucked every which way. I hope my next psychedelic trip reveals something or at least simplifies things for me.
Where am i going what am I doing?   
01:43am 02/01/2011
mood: depressed
It looks like I'm fucked financially. I have no hours at work and I won't be able to pay my lawyer and probation when it starts.

What the fuck, just 2 months ago I was fine. Now I'm just a drunk. I feel so sad so mentally unstable, I'm not prepared for anything. How the hell am I gonna fix this? Its like I'm trying to fix a plane falling out of the sky.

Mmm, I don't know what to say. I had so much motivation, I thought I could do it all. I felt like my fixing of myself would catch some attention from Priscilla, I really like(ed) her. I don't understand, I... she... I don't believe I'm capable of liking anyone the way she or anyone else has; I feel dehumanized- I'm a lesser being due to my lack of emotion.

Why am I here? Why do I bother? I just want to give up. Reality is setting in, I don't think I'll get to be young, cool and with an education. I'm destined to forever be stuck living at home.

I just don't care what happens. I hope I die quickly and painessly, because I'm too much of a bitch to off myself.
Another entry   
12:36am 24/12/2010
  So to look at everything I've done these last 24 years, damn- I haven't done anything. Sometime I just wanna throw in the towel, give up on people, friends, my interests and just have a shit life just like everyone else.

I'm sort of all over the place. I behave badly enough where I should be careful, but not enough to where I should be one of those guys you shouldn't mess with because I would probably lose in a fight. I make good grades in school and I'm nice for the most part, immediately outside of that you have the same guy getting fucked up in bars by himself and doing LSD. I guess I'm a nerd or something, but fuck I'm doing it wrong- I get thrown in jail kind of a lot; a lot more than anyone should be thrown in.

I don't dress like any of my friends, and for the most part my taste in music doesn't match the way I dress, my opinions, interests or the friends I hang out with.

People give you shit your whole life, and it isn't until someone is really fucked up on something or till someone really fucks up that the truth comes out. The reality is that quite possibly I'm not going to fit in anywhere for the rest of my life, and that is part of the reality I was talking about. They always tell you to be different, but the world doesn't want that; the world wants symmetry and consistency. Humans are not the only ones that do this either, nature is just as fucked up. Most mutations, as an example, are not beneficial.

What the fuck is the deal anyway? I thought I was supposed to be over this sounding like a teenager thing years ago. It's 5 years later and it seems to have left ad come back.
12:30am 06/12/2010
  Shit so all my entries so far have been about Priscilla.

Maybe I was right the entire time and she is just playing games, or what if I am over thinking it?

I can't figure out why she would play games like that to begin with, she has several friends already; so I can't see why she would want to play any games.

Maybe she just isn't into me and decided to spare my feelings? At one point she wouldn't ignore me and now it seems like that's all she does.

Sometimes I hurt sometimes I don't, for the most part it seems like music is the best medicine.

One Day As A Lion seems to be the best cure for my blues, that band makes me feel like I can do anything.

Anyway, I don't know what she is doing or why she is doing it; but I am still her friend. I would have to be an ass hole to just walk away just because she doesn't like me back, but if this is one of those fucking tricks I am fucking gone.
I think im whipped or some shit   
12:04am 02/12/2010
mood: confused
It's been a week and a half since I've been staying here at Priscilla's house. I've come to realize I may have a severe problem on my hands.

Priscilla is my friend and nothing more; it will always be this way. There is no hope in this evolving into anything, not even a good friendship. I can sense a great deal of distance between us and she isn't even a meter away from me. Fuck me, I'm starting to lose my feelings for her; but now I don't want to leave. I can't tell what the fuck my damn problem is.

Shit, so I'm friendzoned to a girl I'm losing interest in and as awkward as that is; I don't want to leave her house.

What is my problem?
12:25am 30/11/2010
mood: exanimate
The past few days have been a mess, I got another PI and I went to jail again a few days later for a DWI. I have been living here with Priscilla for a few days. It's been good, she is a good natured person.

I asked her out on a date last night, a date unlike any other. A date involving LSD. She has yet to give me an answer, but as far as I am concerned I can feel myself shutting myself away from her.

The truth seems to be revealing itself in a rather uncanny manner. This was not expected of myself nor was it expected from her. Wishful thinking can lead to a mental calamity, there are things out there which are impossible to ever attain in a lifetime. IMPOSSIBLE.

That isn't to say never try, but learn to pick your battles. Priscilla was something unattainable from the beginning I suppose. She can say what she wants, but I sense many half truths buried in what she says. I can probably never be the kind of person she will like; likely, probably not open up to either. Whomever said opposites attract may have actually been full of shit and didn't know what in the fuck they were talking about. It's one thing to have opposing opinions or opposite personalities, but as far as having completely different psychological natures it is impossible.

I have reached the end of the line, from this point on I can see ourselves never opening up again and talking less and less. This isn't to be mistaken as me giving up, rather if the result of whatever may happen will ever be worth the input. The question wether she will be my friend months from now is certain, but wether we will remain good friends is an uncertainty. I can feel a precarious rift forming between us.

Is she even worth liking? Maybe I should go back and read my last few lj entries. There may be something in there I may have lost now and may be worth trying to get back.

As far as out little date is concerned I already know the answer; there is no answer.
I R exhaust   
09:20am 26/11/2010
  Nine AM on black Friday, so tired. Shift is over.

Fucked up my life with a DWI. Don't live at home, don't have a vehicle, been staying at Priscilla's for the past few days. I am broke.
Where is everyone?   
01:55pm 21/11/2010
  Looks like everyone forgot about livejournal. Everyone would rather be all popular in other social networks.

I'll stay right here.